It's hard to believe, to even conceive, the idea that there are cycles we live but never see.
To wander and wonder and dissociate and dream, to hopefully drown out all the screams
As a child, it's hard to perceive the dualities of the realities We've come to know as we grieve
You see I grew up in fight or flight. Worried I might not make it through the night. No end in sight
Always questioning why and watching her cry. Frozen and afraid she or we were going to die
At least she tried while he pried apart our lives before our eyes as she cries and he apologizes,
To wander and wonder and dissociate and dream, to hopefully drown out all the screams
As a child, it's hard to perceive the dualities of the realities We've come to know as we grieve
You see I grew up in fight or flight. Worried I might not make it through the night. No end in sight
Always questioning why and watching her cry. Frozen and afraid she or we were going to die
At least she tried while he pried apart our lives before our eyes as she cries and he apologizes,
again.
Standing in the other room, you loom, time stops, as my vision zooms, resumes, and I expect a boom
There's a shotgun to her chest, he pulled the trigger, where is the rest? She starts to protest, runs out past us as we watch his unrest
I look through the front door, as he looks for more, and she vanishes around the corner,
With no bullets in sight, but looking to fight, the weight of his hate dissipates though he is visibly irate,
As his father rises and improvises and aims to help find some compromises, though he was inside to hear the whole ride as his son tried to commit Uxoricide. (UHcks or ih side)
He leaves on foot shortly after, his eyes still held the intent to plaster her blood,
thank god she's faster and he didn't catch her
Standing in the other room, you loom, time stops, as my vision zooms, resumes, and I expect a boom
There's a shotgun to her chest, he pulled the trigger, where is the rest? She starts to protest, runs out past us as we watch his unrest
I look through the front door, as he looks for more, and she vanishes around the corner,
With no bullets in sight, but looking to fight, the weight of his hate dissipates though he is visibly irate,
As his father rises and improvises and aims to help find some compromises, though he was inside to hear the whole ride as his son tried to commit Uxoricide. (UHcks or ih side)
He leaves on foot shortly after, his eyes still held the intent to plaster her blood,
thank god she's faster and he didn't catch her
She returns and casts her bat with a clash it smashes and the glass crashes to the grass,
We packed without slack and left without looking back, and how should I react?
But it wasn't the end, he'd pretend to try to mend things again and then do it all over instead
He would leave us abandoned, stranded, and scared. Wondering where, another affair, do you care?
And we were all scared, as he would swear and declare, filled with despair, grabbing her hair, Sounds filled the air,
I hear glasses crashing, something smashing, him rashly thrashing as he grabs a knife to her throat with the intent to slash it,
I'm looking through the doorway, thoughts racing of what to say to sway,
my voice betrays and all I can do is beg “please no” anyways
We scream as he dreams to do more, the three of us sitting on the floor,
frozen on the other side of the door, with a view similar to the ones we've seen before,
He drops the knife, spares her life, leaves at least for another night, how long will we have to fight?
Home from school shortly after, we hear his laughter, as he sits on the porch with his friends
Drugged and drunk, not giving a single fuck to the luck he's found in this muck,
he sat in his chair and stared, complaining that life was just unfair,
Impatient and impaired, he rose and glared as mother returned, his anger burned and churned, by now we should've learned,
I was frozen on the sidewalk, unable to talk or walk, my brother by my side, nowhere for her or us to hide, and he approached the ride and his fists collide
I cry as he punches her eyes, as she sits inside, and tries to decide how to escape with her life,
no time to react or unpack, unable to speak, standing meek while feeling weak, will life always seem so bleak?
I am pulled out of my trance, my thoughts dance as my brother grasps and slams the door, blam
He is now towering above, no ounce of love, my brother fetal position curled below as he kicks and shoves,
my mom is slick, and shifts the stick to drive away, he doesn't stay and chases her as she tries to flee,
His friends finally interfere, did they not hear as we were here in fear for her life?
He escapes their grasp, and run a lap, to try and catch his beloved wife as if HES tired of this crap,
She rides the block, then docks, and we run in, now the door is locked
We call the cops, look at the clock as the time stops, he is back and now he's grabbed a rock.
we look at the front door, as he hits the window I count to four,
he's more tired than before, as he rounds the house and tries another door,
Suddenly it is quiet, We rise to see man who was so violent, as cops had tased him silent, and the took him away.
I wish I could say that mom didn't stay, and that anything related to him would decay and we would start another day.
frozen on the other side of the door, with a view similar to the ones we've seen before,
He drops the knife, spares her life, leaves at least for another night, how long will we have to fight?
Home from school shortly after, we hear his laughter, as he sits on the porch with his friends
Drugged and drunk, not giving a single fuck to the luck he's found in this muck,
he sat in his chair and stared, complaining that life was just unfair,
Impatient and impaired, he rose and glared as mother returned, his anger burned and churned, by now we should've learned,
I was frozen on the sidewalk, unable to talk or walk, my brother by my side, nowhere for her or us to hide, and he approached the ride and his fists collide
I cry as he punches her eyes, as she sits inside, and tries to decide how to escape with her life,
no time to react or unpack, unable to speak, standing meek while feeling weak, will life always seem so bleak?
I am pulled out of my trance, my thoughts dance as my brother grasps and slams the door, blam
He is now towering above, no ounce of love, my brother fetal position curled below as he kicks and shoves,
my mom is slick, and shifts the stick to drive away, he doesn't stay and chases her as she tries to flee,
His friends finally interfere, did they not hear as we were here in fear for her life?
He escapes their grasp, and run a lap, to try and catch his beloved wife as if HES tired of this crap,
She rides the block, then docks, and we run in, now the door is locked
We call the cops, look at the clock as the time stops, he is back and now he's grabbed a rock.
we look at the front door, as he hits the window I count to four,
he's more tired than before, as he rounds the house and tries another door,
Suddenly it is quiet, We rise to see man who was so violent, as cops had tased him silent, and the took him away.
I wish I could say that mom didn't stay, and that anything related to him would decay and we would start another day.
Sam
2/23/2023
2/23/2023
The Poem "Again" is about when I grew up watching my mother experience domestic violence and physical and emotional abuse and those experiences from the view of a child. It definitely needs a trigger warning.